Personal Essays

Halloween Angst

old-jack-o-lantern-832x468It’s Halloween, and I’m starting to stress all over again. Last year you might remember I had to contend with my neighbor’s “Look at me I’m so cool” décor, which ultimately made me want to move to another neighborhood. And now I’m going to come clean about the rest of the Halloween issues that trick me every year.

Okay, let’s start with the candy issue. Did you know that $7.9 billion is spent on Halloween every year? I’d love to see the breakdown of how much of that is for candy. Speaking of which, let me tell you about my candy issues. Every single year I say I’m going to buy candy I don’t like so I don’t eat it. Yep, every single GD year. And each and every year I buy Reese’s Cups, which as you may have guessed, is my favorite packaged candy. (Unless of course I’m at the movies, where it’s Butterfingers Bite-Size. That always puts me in a bad mood because they only put about eight pieces in a box that looks like it holds twenty, and I realize they’ve once again played me for the fool I surely am. But I digress.)

So I buy the Reese’s Cups, and sure enough, I usually have to go back and buy them again because I’ve eaten them days before the big event. Really Christine? You are a grown up, you say? Seriously?

Then, on the night in question, I realize I don’t want to pass out candy to kids in the neighborhood, so I plot how I can look like I’m not home. This is not a joke. I actually turn out all my lights and test my visibility by putting my iPad down and going outside to see if the light shows at all from the street. Once I’m satisfied that it doesn’t, I huddle in my darkened home sweet home, with an elevated heart rate and tremendous guilt over my un-American attitude toward a holiday that really is a lot of fun for those who partake in it. “Why don’t you just put the candy out on a large bowl on the front stoop?” I hear you ask. F you and the sane horse you rode in on. I don’t know why I don’t. I think it’s because I think people in the neighborhood will call me unfriendly. Now, keep in mind I have lived in my house for five years and never once spoken to a neighbor or even waved pleasantly when driving by, so I think they already know I’m unfriendly.

I’m done. This is why I have such trouble with Halloween, and I swear this year I’m not buying one bag of anything. I’m going to go out to dinner and a movie rather than huddle like a criminal in the shadows of my own house.

So, happy All Soul’s to you all. Bah Halloween Humbug.

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