Speed Golf. Seriously?

We are a country that moves faster and faster with each passing day, except of course when we are driving during rush hour. Then we move slower and slower with each passing minute. While I was crawling through Boston on my way to meet a client, I heard some conversation on the radio about Speed Golf. “Wow, that’s an oxymoron if I ever heard one,” I chuckled to myself. I am one of those Midwest people who lost her father most Saturdays to the game of golf. Tee-off time would be around 8:00 or 9:00 AM. He’d be home around 5:00, and then go out to dinner with my mother shortly thereafter. I eventually came to realize that golf was just the first stop. There was also lunch, Gin Rummy, and a drink before coming home, but I only knew he was off to play golf.

So here is the deal: It seems that in an effort to shorten the duration of each round, they have developed something called Speed Golf. Yep, sports fans. Speed Golf. The goal is to shoot the lowest score in the shortest amount of time. Not sure how they figure out the math, but to be honest, I’ll never need to know because I will never play it. I can’t imagine why anyone would play it.

One of the best female players of this new sport says, “It’s great. You can shoot a round of golf in forty-three minutes, hurry home, and then take it easy for the rest of the afternoon.” Oh my. I always thought the point of golf was to take it easy, to enjoy your time outside. To notice the trees and the fairways and the views. To ride in a cart with a friend for five hours, catching up about this and that between shots… and to have a little extra time to get into their head, if you are truly competitive.

This is the ultimate multi-tasking sport. Run and hit. Run and hit. Watch the video and ask yourself where the pleasure is? Does one play it alone? I guess so. We already do so much more alone than ever before. We eat alone and text or watch T.V. while we eat. We text and watch the debates. We talk on the phone while we drive places. Our social life is so solitary now that I sometimes find it odd to actually sit across from someone.

Do not change golf into a sport that’s all about the math at the end of the day. I’m so tired of math. Watching the video, I found it exhausting to watch the speed golfers running, hitting, and carrying their bags.” Savor the shot you turkeys. Ooh and ahh over your fellow golfer’s shots. Walk around the ball. Throw some grass in the air and pretend you know what it means to your club choice. Seriously, golf is so much more than the score or the time in which you can run around the course. Morons.

One last thing. Please God, do not let the Scots or the Irish get wind of this. It will start World War III.