Post Office Plan B

Dear Postmaster General,

We need to talk. I heard on the news this morning that you are losing $25,000,000 per day—yes, that’s twenty-five million dollars—running the Post Office. I’m not a math girl, but according to my iPhone’s calculator, that is 9.125+9 dollars per year? What the heck does that mean? Oh, and you are short a few billion for next week’s payroll.  Well, it’s a lot of money brother. Time to talk.

I have recently visited  and have P.O. Boxes at two of your fine establishments; one in the Hamptons and one on Cape Cod. I can say without exception, that your hiring skills are by far the worst I have ever seen. My P.O. Boxes are both filled with other people’s mail on a daily basis. There is never an apology when I return said mail for re-distribution. The speed with which someone from the back moves to help me at the counter reminds me of the tortoise and hare stories from my childhood, and I promise you we are not talking about your people being the hares. The postal employees who wait on me are surly and never have a pleasant hello. Frankly, it makes me want to start my day anywhere but at the Post Office. And that’s just your personnel.

The buildings look awful. Awful. And they could be cute. They could be filled with cool pictures from the National Archives, which let’s face it, aren’t using them for anything more important. And would it kill you to put a stool or two out for people to sit on while they are filling out the endless forms your people insist on having filled out so they can misplace or misread them? A stool or two would be really nice.

No one is mailing things anymore? Well, let me help you: Get with it. Call on the social media experts to start a social media campaign. Do a series of social media stamps. Let people brand them and print them online and then use them in campaigns that major companies (Coca Cola, Exxon, McDonald’s) put together to save our Post Office. Look, those companies don’t pay taxes, the least they can do is help the Post Office. And while you are at it, have Starbucks put counters in the Post Offices and pay you a monthly fee. Blue Ocean strategy baby. Take what is valuable (your locations) and add products to bring in the business. And could you PLEASE hire an ad agency to design the stamps you put out. Don’t tell me, some idiot in Washington has the job of designing the stamps and they have had said job for the last forty years, but I shouldn’t worry because they will retire in five years and the grand nephew of the Post Office Assistant General will take their place.

I want to send things in the mail, but you do not make it easy. Historically, people have congregated at the Post Office; it was a place to catch up on the gossip that now comes into our homes or hands through our computers and mobile devices. I get it. The odds are stacked against you. Lick it up. Stick it up. Become clever. Bring clever people like me and my friends in to help you. Or go down with the ship if you like. No skin off my back. And as for the people in the Post Office who aren’t like the ones I encounter every time I go to the Post Office, my condolences to you that you are stuck working with others who don’t give a lick. (Get it? Lick?)

In remembrance of my postal delivery person in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan in 1969, I implore you to show this generation what you can do,

Your friend,


4 comments to Post Office Plan B

  • Yes! Well said. And while you’re at it, let’s put a Starbucks in every DMV and Passport office in the country. The rent alone could put a dent in the national debt.

  • Aunt Nancy

    Here is Aunt Nancy’s response… in her eighties

    Love this one as I have been a lover of stamps at the PO most of my life. I even go out of my way to check the stamps available in out of the way post offices. some good, some not so good, agreed but I can usually find some worthy of going on my mail… and I love the hunt. I refuse to buy stamps ON LINE as they just don’t have the same quality as those bought in the real post offices.

    AND, to add to the ignorance of the powers that be… THEY are closing all the quaint, old, smaller, one on one personal offices where the employees give you a wave or a Good Morning when you go in. a huge loos on my part and theirs…. really miss the chit chat with other locals early in the morning at the local PO.. though you don’t seem to get the same respect and friendliness and ‘ small town ‘ atmosphere I have experienced

    I don’t know the NUMBERS that help make the decisions to close all these places of historic sentiment who come up a against the power of bigger and better and ‘ maybe ‘ more efficient structures.. but I, for one, sure do miss the warmth and greetings and christmas cookies available at what was my PO and which is now a thing of the past…

    Like ice cream parlors and roadside stands and local telephone operators…. almost all gone now….

    and what does it prove ?? Nothing, Nada !!!! all for naught. The Post Office with all it downsizing is STILL going down the tubes..

    For shame.

    Another bad move that was put in place to economize and to keep the PO in place…..instead, it did nothing but get rid of all the charm of what was and replace it with grandiose buildings that failed…. and the costs are still skyrocketing

    again…. for shame..

    Enough… guess it is my age… I regret that my great grandchildren will have missed out on so much

  • Lorie

    I applaud your attention to the USPS, but maybe we should look at
    salaries and retirement benefits along with theft w/in the system to
    understand why they are loosing so much money!

  • christine

    We know why they are losing money. No one is sending snail mail anymore, and the payments they have to make with health care and retirement funds is putting them out of business.

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