Christine: You need to seek professional help. Do you need my help getting it? I’m really worried about you. When I first listened I thought it was easy pass from you car. And I thought to myself, she doesn’t drive to the city? What the fuck is this? And, then I figured it out.
Jessica: I don’t drive to the city ………i have a serious QVC problem
i need professional help and that does not include the HSN addiction.
Christine: Yes you do. But I can’t see what it was that you bought?
Jessica: lots of things – jewelry, shoes, make up, cleanser.
Christine: Wait I just screenshot the stuff and enlarged it. It’s all make up? What’s that about?
Jessica: When I get a text that they have a four hour period where everything on their website is on 5 easy payments for four hours – I literally have left parties and movies to make it home on time to do it no lots of jewelry
Christine: Do you wear jewelry?
Jessica: yes .. even fruit ! I am still paying off my January Honeywell oranges. you can only get Honeywell in the month of January across the world and they are the best fruit in history …….so i got two orders this year however i was not pleased with the second order as it was very bruised fruit so they gave me a full credit ! Yeah!
Christine: How much were they?
Jessica: but they are expensive so i got five easy payments of like 15 bucks and had Honeywells for six weeks each order maybe 40 bucks … can’t remember
Christine: How many oranges are in an order?
Jessica: 12 maybe – if i am ever executed my last meal would be Honeywell’s so i would hope i was executed in January so it could be my last meal.
Christine: Maybe you could start an QVCA (QVC Anonymous) group and help others who are suffering the way you are? It’s always best to serve others to mend your own fall-abilities. Is that a word? Do they sell Xanax on EZPay? I have a flight the week after next and I’m out.
Jessica: i will send you honeybees next January – i am not a huge fruit person but i swear it is the best thing you will ever taste – nothing sweeter and juicer – cross between a tangerine and a grapefruit (and i hate grapefruit) ……..
Christine: I’m not as interested in the honeybees as I am the Xanax???
Our friend Debbie was on the text feed: i’m so concerned about both of you
Christine: You don’t have time to be concerned about us. You have to save the country. Keep your focus. She works for a not for profit.
Jessica: Saving the country is a tall order given what a shit show it is – but ok.
Christine: Jessica, you did not respond to my great idea about starting a QVC anonymous club. Maybe you can meet a man. Kindred spirit.
Jessica: somehow i don’t think i would want to date a man who had a qvc shopping problem
Christine: Oh it’s good enough for you but not him? That’s a new one.
Jessica: Honestly i would be happy to date anyway as long as they have a pulse so i take that back – pickings are slim
Christine: I could start a website for you and we could set up your social media. You could be the QVC person That helps people change their life. Or maybe you could become a QVC addiction counselor having cured it in yourself
Jessica: I don’t think i can ever stop ………seriously.
Christine: But I suppose that means you’d have to stop buying first. Can you commit to that?
I LOVE EASY PAY
Jessica: no i can’t stop
Christine: How about you say you will try. It doesn’t piss you off that you’re still paying for oranges that have long since hit the garbage.???
Jessica: no i can’t ……….maybe by the time i die they will have caskets – if they do you have to buy mine on easy pay
Christine: I am not buying a casket for you on QVC. Have you lost your mind?
Jessica: i just can’t explain the love affair i have with honeybees and easy pay QVC. It’s my life.
Jessica: they don’t sell them on QVC but they should i should suggest that next time i call in live to the show
Christine: Tell me you have not called into the live show.
Jessica: at-least once a week
Christine: To say what!? Jesus this is out of control!
Jessica: to give my opinion on a product
Christine: You cannot be serious. Have they ever put you on the air?!?
Jessica: I am on the air at least twice a month most recently for josie moran last week. i am a big josie maran fan
Christine: Who is Josie Moran? Margan?
Jessica: She was a supermodel who started the first argan oil line. her stuff is incredible –
Christine: What is Aegean Oil? And what pray tell can possibly be of interest for you to say about it?
Jessica: she makes lipsticks with argan oil that make your lips so soft it’s amazing
Christine: I can’t do this anymore I’m going to sleep. But first I’m gonna pray for your fucking soul.
Jessica: omg argan oil is an oil that is in hair stuff, soaps, body creams
Christine: I am sorry for your pain. I am grateful that you shared it with me. Telling people is the first step to successfully beating it
Maybe you should cancel your cable.
Jessica: i will bring my cream next time so you can try it – it’s life altering your skin will be SO soft next time i am on air at qvc i will text you so you can listen
Christine: Please don’t bring it. I don’t want anything to do with any of this. And where did Debbie go? Did she drop out of this? There’s only two of us in here now.
Jessica: oh wait i forgot you don’t have tv
Christine: I have a TV but I am not watching you
Jessica: i am very charming on air
Christine: I’m sure you are. I’m going to sleep now I love you.
Jessica: love you too
I ask all my friends to pray for Jessica (I changed her name; she has a high-powered job, can you imagine?) Pray for her. I’ve very worried.