Well, Cathryn’s husband Victor is much wiser than us, but he loves us both just the way we are and puts up with our infantile approach to chocolate (i.e., eating it whenever he isn’t in the house). He also puts up with the Housewives shows that we must discuss at dinners out while he rolls his eyes in exasperation, and he puts up with our generally reckless, ridiculous behavior, which shows we are still stuck in the seventies.

Anyway, last January Cathryn and I decided to fulfill a bucket-list item and read the Bible from cover to cover. We bought identical Bibles at Barnes and Noble before seeing some movie or other. The movie was intellectually too lowbrow for Victor’s taste, but he had nothing else to do and no other friends around, so he joined us anyway. After the movie we were discussing the year of the Bible read over lunch.

Victor started it all. “You two will never read the Bible this year. It will not happen.”

“Why Victor, why ever would you say that?” I asked.

“Because you two never finish anything except a box of Ring Dings, and reading the Bible is a huge commitment to excellence and intellectual curiosity—and commitment is something that neither one of you has ever mastered.”

Ouch, Victor.

We were both outraged. Outraged, I tell you.

“Victor,” I said haughtily. “Put your big money where your big mouth is. How much?”

It’s hard to remember exactly how the conversation went, and I’m hoping that the answer was $100—but my gut tells me there was additional conversation about how if it wasn’t enough, we wouldn’t take it seriously, and so it would have to be $1,000. Actually, I know it was $1,000 but I’m hoping he doesn’t. Actually, we all know it was $1,000, and I’m screwed.

Here is the bottom line. We read the first chapter and discussed it. Genesis. VERY depressing, VERY repetitive, and filled with much more violence than I had realized. We hated it. If the truth be known, that was the last chapter I can honestly say I read. Cathryn? I can’t speak for her, but I can say with certainty that she didn’t finish the book. She would have gloated.

I have recently joined a Bible Study Group and am reading Corinthians now, and again, the writing style has no style. It’s repetitive, and let’s face it, Paul is nothing if not inconsistent. But I’m in it to win it, and still going.

Which leads me to the point. You were right, Victor, and I was wrong, and I owe you $1,000, which is a lot of money. I am writing to eat crow in front of the world and to see if you are interested in double-or-nothing for next year? If not, I will send the check, but only because I have to try to be a woman of my word—which clearly isn’t the case, or I would have finished the Bible when I said I would.

So, you interested in double-or-nothing or what?

Love,

Chris

The thing is, I like Lent. I like the discipline of it. I like the shortness of it. I like the end of it. I like Lent.

But this year, my friend Cathryn, the one who carries fabulous maple syrup in her purse on the off chance she might stop into an iHop, who always gives up candy but agonizes over it each year (sorry C, but really, you always give up the same thing), asked me what I was going to give up. I started to think about it and found myself uncomfortable with the self-serving nature of giving up something for my personal benefit. Yet another holiday promoting narcissism.

I decided that I didn’t want to give up anything. A nutritionist I’m pretending to work with told me not to give up things like Diet Coke which are killing me, but rather to add things I should eat, and they will take the place of the bad things over time. It really is sort of working. So I decided to apply it to Lent too. You get the connection.

For Lent I am only saying nice things about people. No bad things about anyone. Now please don’t think I’m someone who goes around the world speaking ill of people all the time, but at work I often find myself making more negative observations about people than positive, and I feel the effects. Believe me, it’s much harder to give up words during Lent than chocolate. Until I tried to do this, I had no idea how much conversation is taken up with negative comments about others.

Maya Angelou, who as a child, stopped speaking for six years when she thought that her words had killed the man who raped her (he was beaten to death after he was released from jail), chooses her words very, very carefully. She is someone who listens well. Anyway, if you are in her home and speak ill of someone else, she asks you to leave. It appears, to judge by my Lent challenges, that I wouldn’t get past the front stoop at Maya’s house. But she also says, “I did the best I could, and when I knew better, I did better.” It’s my favorite quote. It’s like confession absolution in a sentence.

I am going to try to live my Lent commitment after Lent has finished. It really makes you think about your words. This also means that the following people will no longer appear in my blogs; Sarah Palin, George Bush (the younger one), Glenn Beck, and Hitler, to name a few.

I went with the my ex roommate from the 70′s, Cathryn. (You know Cathryn, the right wing, maple-syrup carrying friend.) We both roared and loved every minute. Ok, that’s a bit of a defensive exaggeration; it could have been shorter, but the truth is the film is about chicks before dicks, and there is always room in one’s heart for a chicks before dicks movie with fabulous fashion and amazingly luxurious settings.

I wouldn’t (even if I was thin enough) wear anything they showed in the film, but I loved looking at all the fashion and especially the shoes. Carrie Bradshaw is not a woman I find that attractive, but she sure does look great in clothes. And, Mr. Big? Anytime. Just say the word. When he punishes her at the end by putting a black diamond on her finger, I was in heaven. And, yes, I get that one shouldn’t expect those types of things in real life, but since when is the movie theater real life?

I have to comment on Liza. All the reviews said it was painful to watch her. Look, Liza Minnelli needs to quietly retire to her country house, wherever that might be, but the rest of that marriage scene was perfect. It was filled with understanding of the intricacies of relationships and so was the rest of the movie. And, the over the top, male chorus was so cool that I want one at my sixtieth birthday party – the one I am not having. So, leave Liza alone and understand it’s hard to walk away quietly into the night from a lifetime of public adoration. A little empathy people.

There is one thing, however, that made me uncomfortable. I was a bit disquieted about the way the Muslim women were treated by the film’s plot. I just think we need to stay away from judgement-filled presentations of the intricacies of their culture, and they need to stay away from ours.

Overall ladies, it’s a must see.

Christine’s Rating: Four popcorn boxes and one Twizzlers. My highest rating.

Are you kidding me? Can you be serious?

The man lost his son, had his son’s funeral desecrated by these people from Fred Phelp’s church in Kansas, and now he has to pay them? Dorothy needs to return to Kansas and set these people straight. I really don’t understand people who hide behind church, the Bible and God while spitting hatred toward those they don’t understand.

Gays in the military is only an issue in this country. All our allies (England, France, Israel, etc.) allow gays to serve openly in their military units. Every one of them. They say there is no problem with it. We are supposed to be the military leader of the free world and we are living in the McCarthy-type era of ostracizing those that are different than our reported norm? What is wrong with us? And, why haven’t I done anything about it? Seriously, I sent an email this morning saying I will donate $500 to help pay the costs that the soldier’s father needs to pay. I hope it finds its way to the father of that young man who served his country – our country – honorably and died in the process. The thought that he should have to write a check is just not acceptable to me.

When will the silent majority which includes me stand up and be counted?

Matthew, may you rest in peace. Obama, stand up and get this thing fixed. Now. Today.

In case, you didn’t notice, I’m mad as hell.

Quite often of late, my feeling of incredulous disbelief comes to me from things said by the far right. This week my thoughts go to Pat Robertson.

As Haitian Prime Minister Jean-Max Bellerive said “well over” 100,000 people may have died in the natural disaster, Robertson took to the airwaves Wednesday on his show and said that the country has been “cursed by one thing after another” since they “swore a pact to the devil.”

“Something happened a long time ago in Haiti and people might not want to talk about it,” Robertson said Tuesday. “They were under the heel of the French, you know Napoleon the third and whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said ‘We will serve you if you will get us free from the prince.’ True story. And so the devil said, ‘Ok it’s a deal.’ And they kicked the French out. The Haitians revolted and got themselves free. But ever since they have been cursed by one thing after another,” Robertson said.

Here is what comes to mind. How do you dial the devil to swear a pact with the devil? Do you call 1-800 Dial a Devil? I would like to get in touch with the devil. I have a few questions. I digress.

Does Robertson really believe this? Or, is he trying to get publicity, which of course he is doing on the airwaves and through stupid, self-serving blogs like my own?

Does anyone really want to continue to listen to him after hearing him say this? What happens to a brain that takes something like this statement in and doesn’t question the premise, the motive, and the waste of time listening to it? What am I missing? Do I not get it? Could I be this wrong? And, if I’m not wrong, how could they be this wrong?

According to Wikipedia, “Robertson is a Southern Baptist and was active as an ordained minister with that denomination for many years, but holds to a charismatic theology not traditionally common among Southern Baptists. He unsuccessfully campaigned to become the Republican Party’s nominee in the 1988 presidential election As a result of his seeking political office, he no longer serves in an official role for any church. His media and financial resources make him a recognized, influential, and controversial public voice for conservative Christianity in the United States.”

Apparently millions of people follow him. Millions. Who are you people that follow him and others like him? Do you look like me? Are you smarter than me? Dumber? I truly would like to talk to one of you. I seriously think that I might take a little trip down Southern Baptist Lane this summer and actually try to have a conversation with some of them. The goal would be to never comment on what they say, but to ask questions and try to figure out where their thinking comes from. I’m not kidding.

Phrases like moral majority, pro-life, conservative Christian have always baffled me. I’m in marketing and I know that turning a phrase sells a product. I get that, but it doesn’t seem like those on the left (how come we didn’t take the side called right, it has such a stronger positive connotation) turn phrases in the scary way the ‘right’ does. Let’s figure that out now. Call me the ‘caring left’ from now on. Or, the ethics majority.

Ok, I’m done I guess. Actually, I’m so not done. I’m just not sure what to do with what I’m not done with right now.