Invader Got in By Hiding in the Grocery Bag

Invader in my house.

It was terrible. I’m not sure, but I think he got in through a grocery bag, hiding underneath the grapes, turmeric, coconut milk, fresh Atlantic salmon, and lemons. I had no idea. Swear. And, before I could call the police for help, he disappeared into the abyss that ends up on my thighs with nary a trace charting the roadways it took to get there. Evading the authorities yet again.

Murderer

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Debbie From Dunkin Donuts

I live on Cape Cod when I’m not traveling for business, which is at least half the month. I grew up coming to the Cape in the summers. My mom was raised here as were sixteen prior generations of our family, so it’s in my DNA. I feel connected to the earth here – really more like sand I guess – and when I’m on the Cape I’m calm and grounded. That said, my social

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The Opinion of Strangers

We are funny ducks, we human beings.

We play games, thinking we are fooling the world. But the world couldn’t care less, and doesn’t even notice the lengths we go to in order to appear the way we wish we were but aren’t.

Examples abound:

I love Maltesers—those malted milk balls from England that melt in your mouth (don’t judge me). My cousin Louise, who is British, loves them as much as I do. When

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Burying Aspartame

My first diet soda memory is of the vending machine in the basement of my sorority house in 1972. Diet Doctor Pepper, which I purchased one can at a time to consume while sitting on the floor of somebody’s room or other, playing Yahtzee or Bridge. The empty cans were used for cigarette butts. I would go to the basement before both lunch and dinner, and that was my drink of choice during most meals.

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My Refrigerator

I have friends coming to stay for a night before they head to Martha’s Vineyard for the summer. I got this e-mail this morning:

“Hey. Do you have room in your fridge if we stop by Trader Joe’s today and stock up on a few things?”

Here is a list of what is in my refrigerator. Mustard, Diet Coke, Ginger Ale (a friend brought over when I was sick), eggs, expired cheese, butter, half and

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Meatloaf Anyone?

Holiday gatherings usually allow participants a minute or two to indulge in nostalgia for days gone by. For me and mine, this year was no exception. Over and over again, the topic of meatloaf came up. I’ve recently had a lot of dinners out, and it seems that meatloaf has returned to menus, allowing for this trip down Memory Lane. Okay, you food snobs, the conversation did not take place at Le Bernadin, but at

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Food Groups

I’ve figured out the obesity problem. It’s the food group thing.

It’s not about what you eat, necessarily, but about with whom you eat, where you eat, and your emotional state when the food goes into your mouth. Trying to tell me to eat three veggies and two fruits each day has no soul, and it ain’t working. Give me the rules on the who, what, where, and when theory of eating, and I think

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Dead Man's Food

I was recently having dinner with a friend whose husband died a few years ago. She was telling me about all the food that was dropped off during the two weeks following his death. The sea of casseroles, desserts and fried chicken just kept coming, and surprisingly, on the bottom of the dishes they arrived in was the recipe for the whatever was being dropped off. Dead Man’s Food Recipes. It could be a book

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Zicam Weight Loss Idea

You know how you get those emails telling you that if you don’t throw away all your toilet paper, you will get a rash that will never leave you? Then it turns out it is a scam from the Net and has taken off in that viral way that the Net nurtures.

I got the following such email from my sister. She was forwarding it from someone who had forwarded it to her. I googled

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Cheerios, Who Knew?

We need to talk about Cheerios. I recently received an email explaining that the new cool thing is to make a Cheerios necklace for your friends (I think they thought I was still in high school, bless them). The Cheerios necklace recipient eats a Cheerio off the necklace every time she sees the guy she likes at school and voila, he will like her after she finishes the necklace and all the Cheerios have been

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