Let me get this straight. I put my money in your bank. Then, if I want to take my money out of your bank, I have to pay you $5? Really? Do you have a bridge in Brooklyn you can sell me?

I remember when they first started selling water [...]]]> Dear Bank of America,

Let me get this straight. I put my money in your bank. Then, if I want to take my money out of your bank, I have to pay you $5? Really? Do you have a bridge in Brooklyn you can sell me?

I remember when they first started selling water in bottles, people thought it would never fly. And now that the Poland Springs have run dry and the label admits that the water comes from faucets in Maine, rather than from the Poland Springs, I laugh at myself for buying it. I want to write them a letter and tell them they didn’t put one over on me, that I realize it’s actually tap water from Maine, but I like water in bottles and choose to buy it anyway.

“So Christine,”  I hear you ask, “do you really mean that you don’t mind being an idiot as long as they know that you know that you are one?” The answer to that is yes.

But this is different. I am not going to pay you to give me my money. Nope, not happening. And I suggest you backtrack post-haste, Bank of America, before I take my business elsewhere. And while you are at it, please fire whichever Senior VP came up with this idea. The idea is not sound. If people stop using these labor-saving machines, you will have to hire a lot of additional tellers, which will cost you a lot more than the $5 you intend to charge me.

So save yourself some money and me my dignity and rescind this lunacy.

Thank you very much.

I don’t get it. And frankly, you Washington idiots should have kept me out of the discussion because [...]]]> After all these months, the only thing they can agree on is that they can’t agree, so let’s apply for more credit cards to pay the increasing debt? Such a deal. There is nothing to celebrate.

I don’t get it. And frankly, you Washington idiots should have kept me out of the discussion because we all know that ignorance is bliss. When you all screwed up in the past, you were smart enough to keep us, the unsuspecting, uneducated, naive public, in the dark about what it all meant. Not so this time. Mistake. Big Mistake.

Now, for the first time, I understand how terrible the debt-ceiling breakthrough is, and that it has nothing to do with the glass ceilings I celebrate breaking. I now realize that for the last ten years we as a country have gone back to the bank over and over again telling them that we are sure we can handle the extra credit cards other countries give us to fight wars that are not our battles, to waste money on programs that have solid foundations but are so poorly run they cost much more than they should, and perhaps worst of all, not to equally tax companies and individuals who have American roots.

So I’m furious, and I’m not going to take it anymore. Trouble is, I have no idea exactly how I am not going to take it anymore.

The fact that three of the bankers; the [...]]]> I just want to say that if Obama summoned me to the White House, I would have walked George Washington type miles to get there. I would have ridden my bike. I would have taken the train. I would have hitched a ride on the expressway.

The fact that three of the bankers; the CEOs of Morgan Stanley, Citibank and Goldman Sachs were ‘fogged out’ so they called in on a speaker phone to the President of the United States boggles my mind. I’m incredulous. The more I think of it, the madder I get.

We have all pulled no shows at some point in our lives. I have anyway. I remember when I was in college and got engaged to a boy that really wasn’t such a good guy. My father, who lived in St. Maarten at the time, told me to get down there for a conversation about the whole thing. I didn’t go and broke up with the boy instead. It was easier, and I knew he was right. In other words, I didn’t need the meeting to get the point.

How about they don’t need the meeting in person to get the point? How about they all issue press releases tomorrow saying they will loan out the huge stockpiles of cash they are now sitting on rather than giving it to employees that sent out economy to the dark side? That would work. Then they don’t have to go down there as far as I’m concerned, and they don’t even need to make up some stupid excuse about trying.

The all time worst no show on my part was when I shared an apartment with Cathryn, the fruitcake maker and IHop pancake syrup hoarder in the mid-seventies. She had a blind date. We were having a ton of fun and she wasn’t feeling like she really wanted to go out. She suggested I open the door, check out the potential of the blind date, and if he was a no-go I should say that something terrible had happened and she would call tomorrow and apologize. The doorbell rang, and I answered it. I did a brief assessment and thought, “Not so much.” I told him something terrible had happened, at which point he stepped inside. He looked so earnest and concerned that I re-evaluated my original ‘he’s not going to cut it’ assessment and said, “Actually, I’m not sure if something terrible has happened or not, can you hold on a minute?” I swear to God. It’s amazing I have any friends. She went out with him and the bottom line was you should always go with your first gut reaction.

Another time, (I promise this is the last trip down memory lane in this blog entry) I told a boyfriend I couldn’t get a cab downtown because I was totally over him. He took a cab uptown, called me from the lobby and said he was there to pick me up. Maybe the Pres should have sent Air Force One and done the same thing.

Here is the thing. You plan for a no show and make the appropriate excuses. My grandmother has died more times than would be possible if I was one of John Smith’s (the Mormon with 97 wives) daughters. You gotta be smart about it. Saying you are fogged in to the President of the United States is pretty dumb, especially when there are things like Amtrak and a news media that can prove your grandmother died twenty years ago.

There must be repercussions for this amazing slight. I think Obama should fly up to New York City today and confront them in person – with the camera rolling.  Or maybe call their boards of directors and have them all fly in next week – all of them. I bet they would show up.

When they needed money last year and Paulson told them to come to Washington, they ran to get there. They left with hefty checks totaling billions of dollars. Oh sorry, I forgot, they weren’t getting anything this time. Right.

Whatever. It’s not really about the meeting at all. It’s about the messed up financial system that isn’t really working for any of us now.

You know, I bet if Obama had invited the wives to come down with them and Michele would show them the Christmas decorations, they would have all made it. Just kidding feminists. Just kidding.

I left for LA and a co-worker/friend is watching my fabulous dog Luke.

“Oh, no need to pay me. I am happy to move out of my house, move in your house and take care of your dog for three weeks until [...]]]> Do I really need to have this conversation with all of us?

I left for LA and a co-worker/friend is watching my fabulous dog Luke.

“Oh, no need to pay me. I am happy to move out of my house, move in your house and take care of your dog for three weeks until you get back for no money. By the way, I could wash your windows while you’re gone if you want? Or perhaps pack up everything you need to take with you on the move? No worries, happy to do it.”

Ok, it wasn’t quite that bad but almost.

So, I yelled at her of course and gave her a check for what I would have paid a professional dog sitter and shook my head with the absurdity of it all.

Then I started to negotiate my new apartment out here in LA.

“What’s the price?”

“It’s X.”

“Ok, I’ll take it.”

Then there was the fabulous negotiation for my car.

“I’m told I should negotiate. Is this the best you can do? …. Oh, it is the best you can do? No problem, thanks so much, I’ll take it, but could you give me a full tank of gas?”

I’m pathetic, and while I have a few girlfriends (very rich ones) who are amazing at negotiating, I can tell you that most are not.

I rented a house in the Hamptons for the last three years. When I saw the house, it belonged to a young woman whose father was a business friend of mine. She was asking way less than market value so I said, “This isn’t enough. I’ll pay you $500 more per month than you are asking because that’s what’s fair.”

“No, that’s ok,” she said. “What you are paying will pay for the mortgage.”

“No, no, really,” I countered.

We settled on $250 more. Who says I can’t negotiate?

Even in business, I am terrible. The president of a company I work with actually said, “Never negotiate on behalf of my company again.” He was not joking.

“Alrighty then,” I replied. “But I have other qualities, right?” God forbid I just let it go without looking for some validation of something.

Look at Annie Leibowitz, the most renowned photographer of my generation; bankrupt and needing to sell her work to pay bills because she just didn’t get the money thing. She’s not alone, and I hate that it appears to me to be a gender thing. Ok, you can add Michael Jackson in, but let’s face it, he was more girl than boy anyway.

They should teach a class in it.

Teaching Women to Value Their Time and Talent with Compensation. It could be taught by Anna Wintour. I bet she’s a good negotiator.

Here is the course description.

Find out why women suck at negotiating. Look into the deeper meaning of demanding financial compensation commensurate with work expertise and why women tend to reject validation through the almighty dollar. Help yourself find your way.

I would take the class in a heartbeat. And, I would pay full price for it, or better yet, I’ll pay extra.

“Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work. They pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to get that paycheck, I am required to pass a random urine test with which [...]]]> I received the following e-mail yesterday.

“Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work. They pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to get that paycheck, I am required to pass a random urine test with which I have no problem.

What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who do not have to pass a urine test. So here is my question.

Shouldn’t one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check? Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sit on their rump – doing drugs – while I work.

Can you imagine how much money the government would save if people had to pass a urine test to get public assistance? I guess we could title that program, “Urine, or you’re out.”

First, my compliments to the author. No anger, no swearing. Note her use of the word rump instead of ass, which of course is what I would have used before I was Obama Mini Me.

It does come down to responsibility and accountability, both of which I’m in favor of requiring in life for all that we do. Roosevelt put the country back to work, but I think those going back to work had a different mind-set back then. They wanted to work. Does everyone now want to work? Not so much is my guess.

“I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet.” That assumes they were on their feet to start with. Again, not so much. The system is not designed to motivate, to teach, or to elevate anyone. It’s a lazy system. I went to unemployment once to watch. No kidding, I wanted to see what it was all about. One of the things I noticed is that more than half the people in line got up there and had to be sent back to fill in the paperwork completely. If I were filling out paperwork to get hundreds of dollars a week, I would take a little care filling it out. The time for those ‘reruns’ has to be significant and costly.

Look, I’m left of center for sure. And, I hope this post does not make those around me say I’m right of the Hudson because I don’t think we should be doling out dollars without responsibility and accountability.

Make welfare a wage. Put all on welfare to work. Have a huge bin of jobs at welfare. You have to pick out of the bin a job to do over the next 24 hours to get your money. Maybe the jobs could include things like visit an old folks home (I know they don’t call them that anymore, sorry) and read for two hours to some of the people there. I know, I know. I can hear you now. What if the person who picks the job is gross and not someone you would want in that home? Then, they can clean themselves up or not get their check that week. I don’t know, I get that there are details to work out, but isn’t it better than nothing?

I salute the author of “Urine, or You’re Out.” Minimally, she made me think about it.

Thanks RM for sending it to me.

Is Obama right about the success of the BILLIONS put into the system? Is Warren Buffet right? First Warren says it’s not working, and then last week he said it is. Does that mean his friend Barack called him and begged him not to tank the economy worse than [...]]]> I have been so confused lately…

Is Obama right about the success of the BILLIONS put into the system? Is Warren Buffet right? First Warren says it’s not working, and then last week he said it is. Does that mean his friend Barack called him and begged him not to tank the economy worse than it is, so he recanted on what he said originally? I’m so confused. So, I e-mailed my friend Manisha Thakor, who is on TV all the time because she’s a smart money girl from Harvard. (Manisha, I meant to tell you that you sit too close to the web cam and your face looks too big when you are on TV.)

I said, “What is the deal Manisha?” Here is her answer.

Chris, here’s the issue on the economy:  It’s basically like someone who kept their energy level high through caffeine & sugar, and is now cutting way back on that and trying to drive their energy level through sleep, exercise, and nutrition.  It will work… but there’s a withdrawal period that sucks and then a time lag before the new program kicks in. In the U.S., the consumer has been an outsized driver of Gross Domestic Product (relative to other developed countries) for a good 15 years. The only way consumers were able to spend like such crazy folk was by spending more than they earned, year after year.  It started off slowly in the late ’80s/early ’90s and really reached a crescendo this decade when the savings rate went negative.  With the consumer slowing back, the only possible outcome is that economic growth slows in the short run.  HOWEVER, if we thread that proverbial needle it is possible that we will re-emerge in 5 or so years with a MUCH more sustainable, 3-legged stool driving economic growth, ie a more healthy balance between consumer, business, and government spending. 

Manisha knows me. Caffeine? Sugar? Exercise? Nutrition? Ok, now I get it. Why didn’t you say so in the first place. I feel so much better. Maybe she’s right and maybe she’s wrong, but at least I get it. 

So, I thought it important to pass this clear information on to some of you like-minded confused souls so you can get it too! Now, obviously, I have no idea if Manisha is right that re-working the base from which our economy grows will work, or whether we can sustain ourselves in the meantime and not go under, however at least I now have a visual image to relate it all to.

Why didn’t they just say that in the first place and save me so much angst?