It had clearly been written by somebody who never had real teenagers. There is just no way that a 15 year old boy (looking for a male role model father figure – he initiated it), who bonded with his biological father would kick dad out of his life because dad had sex with his biological mother. That just would not happen. And that goes times 10 for a 15 year old jock kid who is straight. No way. That … just … would … not … happen.

The obviously confused virgin daughter going off to college wasn’t real either. Any mom knows that girls are usually harder than boys. Boys are difficult, but the idea that a daughter would cast out her biological father from her life because of what happened is totally nuts. Teenage girls aren’t that into hypocrisy. The daughter was obviously straight, which would mean she wouldn’t “get” mom’s sex thing with girls. So that daughter would be nailing her “other mother” to the wall for being a hypocrite and calling her a fake lesbian and all sorts of other screaming around the house. Teenagers are stewing in hormones and totally would get it, especially today’s kids who grow up swimming in that ocean of porn we call the internet. Joni WOULDN’T cast him out, not if she liked him. She would be using that to cook her mom on a skillet. I mean get real people!

Most lesbian couples are polyamorous from time to time anyway, so Nic could have gotten angry but it’s very unlikely she would have reacted like that. And that little speech delivered at the door to Paul about “find your own family”? Give me a break. Given the shallow, dry, stale, blah-ness of the sex life of those two contrasted with the passion of sex-sex-sex with the “sperm donor” that whole thing was just totally inauthentic. (Could Annette Benning look LESS engaged in bed, more hard-eyed and bored, or have a harder time coming to orgasm?) Can anyone say, “Lesbian bed death”? (For straights, in real life, lesbians drift into no sex or incredibly boring sex with a very well ordered and affectionate bordering on treacle life. It’s very, very, very, very boring, which is why it’s called death.) Give me a break. That’s just totally unreal. Well, the bed death part is realistic as it gets. But Jules-the-fem choosing a bed death over fantastic sex with a well off guy? I don’t think so.

A believable denouement would have had Nic take Paul into their relationship for Jules. I mean, come on! These are two “lesbians” who get themselves off watching male gay porn. (And they have ONE tape. Really. One. They have been watching the same old gay porn tape for how many years? Can you say Betamax?) Like they wouldn’t go for a guy, and like the guy wouldn’t go for the two of them.

See, in real life, Nic would know that if she didn’t take Paul in, Jules would fly away bye-bye. Yes, fellow virgins, in real life lesbians lose their partners to men from time to time. It’s just how it is. Lots of girls go both ways and we all know that a bored girl is a girl whose labia start growing into wings to fly and once she spreads those wings she’s gone-gone-gone! Plus, Nic (being a smart girl) would know that while Paul was exciting and fun, he had a history of going from one flower to the other and most likely he’d be flitting off in a year or two anyway. (If it even lasted that long. Want to see a commitment phobic man run? Commit to him!) I just couldn’t believe that the Nic character could ever act that stupid. The movie’s Nic, the one thing she obviously has in overabundance is serious smarts. A girl like that in her 50′s would know the score and know exactly how to hang onto her girl. Smart lesbian – yeah – that parts tres authentique. Very.

This is how a real Nic would think. “First, this Paul is a guy who is commitment phobic. If we let him into our relationship, all I have to do to make him run off is slowly start making demands for commitment on him. Second, my girl is gonna hit menopause in just a few years, and the INSTANT that happens, Paul will hit the road jack. Because guys are breeders, and as soon as the breeding pouch of the girl don’t work no more, his balls are going to haul him elsewhere. Third, this Paul guy is surrounded by nubile breeder-babes drooling on his collar. One of them will snag him soon – no worries! Fourth, Paul’s a nice enough guy and he turns on my honey something fee-ro-cious. In fact, I really like him a lot. So let Jules have her fun. We like to watch men, and I like to watch her, so it’ll be good for me too. I get to have more fun, because god knows our sex life has gone flat as 3 year old pepsi. Fifth, if Paul’s here in our bed, I can keep an eye on things way better than if my honey is pole-sitting elsewhere. Now that she’s spread herself for Paul, she’ll be round-heels-Mary and I want her around. Sixth, the kids both like him, and with him around we get a free big-brother baby-sitter for Jules’ son. That will be a load off, cuz that kid’s getting to be a serious handful. Seventh, with Joni gone, when Paul goes off with Laser, me and Jules can have time together and not have to worry about anything. Eighth, Paul rides a motorcycle. Good odds he’ll croak anyway! ”

That’s how a real smart girl would think. That’s what would be going through Nic’s head and I’m sure it’s how she would play it.

Details:
Gag me with a line. A couple of straight girls playing inauthentic queer girls in a movie having lines about the lack of authenticity of straight girls in movies playing queer girls? Oi vey!

It’s totally obvious the director’s no lesbian. The director has one blah, under the covers, boring sex scene between two obvious bed dead girls. But she directs totally hot, full nude sex between the smokin’ hot Jules redhead and the “sperm donor”. (Not long ago this film would be X rated for god’s sake.) Only a totally straight girl would have scenes like that. It makes her orientation completely obvious.