Please Mr. President, I Don’t Want To Own GM.

I was driving to New York City today on the crowded Long Island expressway with a friend. I started to look at all the cars around us, turned to her and said, “I don’t want to own GM. I sold my jeep last year because I have this large car and felt two vehicles was more than I could handle. I want to return GM and get our money back. Are you with me?”

She looked across at me for a what seemed to be a long while and said, “Do I need to worry about you running into the median? If I do, tell me quick so I can get out of the car before you go.”

“Listen, hear me out. I don’t take care of the car I already own. I forget to change the oil even though every time I turn the car on the ‘change oil’ light comes on. I promise myself I will call as soon as I get somewhere I can call without being arrested for being on my cell phone while driving. It’s like the promise I made every year not to eat Sarah’s Halloween candy and lie to her about her memory of having gotten Peanut Butter Cups. I’m a vessel filled with broken promises, and I can see they are just like me. It takes one to know one.” Big breath. 

“Judging from the way our government handles itself, you are right. They are just like you.”

“Well, there you have it. There might still be time, and I want to call someone and recommend we return it. After all, let’s think this thing through. It’s not just irresponsible me, the owner, and the lying government who made me buy it. It seems like everyone who f&*#d up the company is still there too. I saw the Chief Financial Officer, Ray Young, on TV the other day. His last name says it all. And, he ended the interview saying, ‘I want to thank the American people for investing and believing in us. I know we can turn this around.’ Well, I have yet to meet one American who chose to invest in GM. I hate it when people thank you for something they know you didn’t want to do. It’s SO disingenuous. And, he’s maybe ten years old. And, he has pimples. I never did anything smart when I was young enough to have pimples. I don’t believe in him. I don’t believe in GM, and I think if they could have turned it around, they would have already done it.”

“Look, can we talk about something else?”

“No.”

“Alright. I might mention, I own all GM cars.”

“Well, aren’t you stupid? At least I was smart enough to buy an Audi.” What I didn’t mention is that I bought the Audi because another friend told me that Audi doesn’t charge for tune ups and check ups for your car. Ever. Then I found out that they stopped that policy four months before I became part of their family – yet another glowing example of me not doing the research necessary to protect myself. 

The conversation bothered me all day.

I’m in marketing and strategy by trade. So, if I can’t return GM, I decide to take a look at what I can do to assist with the new GM that I now own. You have to work with what you have, not what you wish you didn’t have. I go and look up the new ad campaign that starts tomorrow. Continue to read if you want to get really depressed.

Following is some of the text that accompanies images throughout the ad such as a person running who only has one leg. (I swear. Could I make this up?)

“Let’s be completely honest. No company wants to go through this. 

But we’re not witnessing the end of the American car.

We’re witnessing the rebirth of the American car.

General Motors needs to start over. There was a time when eight brands made sense. Not anymore.

There was a time when our cost structure could compete world wide. Not anymore.

Reinvention is the only way we can fix this. <image of football player throwing ball and fade in American flag>

And, fix it we will. Here is what the new GM is going to be. Fewer, stronger brands. Fewer, stronger models. Greater efficiency. 

Leaner, greener, faster, smarter.

This is not about going out of business, this is about getting down to business.”  

I don’t want to waste anymore time reviewing the ad other than to say, this is absolutely about going out of business, not about getting down to business. Please do not insult my intelligence. I don’t want to end on a negative note, so I came up with my own ad which I’m sure will have stronger results. 

A picture of a thousand people standing there looking stunned. Voice over…

“If you owned a hardware store, would you buy nails from the competition down the street? We thought not. Buy GM. You own it.”

End ad. I timed it. It’s well within the 15 seconds cheap ad rate. In fact, if you don’t pause, you can say it twice in fifteen seconds getting double our money’s worth. Their ad is an expensive minute. I think mine will sell more cars. It will clearly be cheaper to produce and cheaper to run, which is what the cars should have been in the first place.